Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my dad’s b-day. Even though dad had to work today, mom’s gonna do something special for him. I didn’t get him a present because money’s tight – it’s the economy don’t ya know - but mom told me that a material gift is not what’s important. She told me that giving and showing love, and being loved, is more important than a gift that any money can buy. So, I’m gonna make sure dad knows I love him. Mom says she’s going to make dad a special dinner. She already made some mini apple crumb things (they’re cooling in the kitchen) and she even bought vanilla ice cream for the top. Dad loooooooooves that! (See Aunt Jodi, Vanilla Ice Cream is loved by all and goes with EVERYTHING!) Dinner will be good, although I’m not big fan of shrimp... but it’s what dad wants. According to Bubba there’s many ways you can prepare shrimp, but dad knew exactly how he wants it so luckily we didn’t have to run through the whole list! He wants them sauteed with garlic, olive oil, butter and herbs over linguini. So, right now mom and I are just chilling out on the couch watching movies on Lifetime till dad comes home. Don’t tell dad... but I’m enjoying these movies.

Over the river....

Over the river and thru the woods to grandmother’s house we go... Road Trip! Well, we’ll be crossing over a few rivers on the way.... the Quinnipiac, the Housatonic, the Pequonnock, the Saugatuck, the Norwalk, the Hudson... and we’ll be going over a few bridges but the big one is the Chimpanzee Bridge. Dad says it’s the Tapanzee Bridge but I’m not stupid – Tapanzee is not a word. But Chimpanze is, so I think dad’s just yanking my chain... I’m pretty damn sure it’s the Chimpanzee Bridge. There will be no woods though. I always love Thanksgiving - my gramma is great! She always sends mom home with a care package of turkey for me & Nuno - but this Thanksgiving will be especially good because I get to go with mom & dad to gramma’s in Jersey!

Everyone has to make and bring something to contribute to the Thanksgiving dinner – that’s the rule. Not every person (or dog) - but a rep from each household. So on behalf of the CT Keisers, mom will be making homemade cranberry sauce, butternut squash soup (yum!) and while she’s not making the cider from scratch, she’s going to be responsible for prepping the mulling spices just right and making the hot mulled cider for all to enjoy. It just isn’t the holidays without that. Dad won’t drink it though... he says it goes right through him and gives him the shits.

Unfortunately, Nuno can’t come to Jersey with us... Grampa Bob is allergic to cats. Plus, with stress of the drive and the madness and chaos in Gramma’s house the day of Thanksgiving, it may just be too much for the little guy. So he’s going to go stay with Val at the cat resort. She takes really good care of him and if mom has to leave him with anyone, Val is the one. But I’m going to make sure gramma makes up a special care package for Nuno. I’m going to tell her to add a little stuffing and gravy to his turkey cause the little guy needs to gain some weight. It’s gonna be hard sitting in the truck the entire way home and NOT eat Nuno’s care package but I won’t. I will be strong and resist temptation. Know what else is great about this Thanksgiving? We’re having a chocolate chip cookie bake-off! Mom, Aunt Jen, Gramma, Aunt Heidi and Gramma Keiser are all going to bake and bring their chocolate chip cookies and we’re all going to put on blindfolds and do a taste test and vote for the best! Pretty cool, huh? I betcha my mom wins. Dad better not screw up and vote for someone else’s cookie other than mom’s.... otherwise it’ll be the last cookie dad ever tastes!

Family Crisis

Dad came home not long ago with Nuno. Nuno wasn’t feeling good all day yesterday and last night and so dad took him to the doctor this morning and he had some tests done. He may have some kind of medical problem. Mom already called like 50 billion times this morning. I know he’s getting old and Dad says that this is part of getting old. I’m thinking that maybe I’ll start being a little nicer to the little guy. He may be a cat, but he is MY big brother. Maybe I should check about getting him a present or something. I know that mom will be quite upset and touchy with him being all sick so maybe I’ll have to be the good son for a while and try not to cause her any more stress than possible. No problem… I’ll just annoy dad! Oh Dad…..!

A New Name

I’ve been doing some thinking and I decided I’d like to change my name and that I’d like my new name to be "Norbert." I told my mom this and first she laughed her ass off, and then she asked me why, if I had the choice of any name on the planet, why would I choose "Norbert". So I said "Why not?" She said "Why?" I said "Why not?" She said "Why?"... We went on this way for a few minutes until I finally caved and said "Because," to which she responded with "Because why?" And so this round went on for another minute or two untiI I finally got frustrated and walked away. So what’s wrong with the name Norbert? It’s not like Parker’s a great name or anything. Wanna know how I got that name? I was lost and all alone - my former owner was a real meanie - and dad came alone and found me wandering in a park. And because he found me in a park, he called me Parker. I think it’s a pretty stupid way to give someone a name. But I was so scared and lonely and tired at the time that I never gave it a thought. But now that I am thinking about it, it’s just a really dumb name.

Toys

How come dog toys come in only two features: squeak or non-squeak? For the last week, we’ve been getting catalog after catalog in the mail in preparation for Christmas and lots of them have kids toys in them. Plus every other commercial on TV is a toy commercial. Now, I’m looking at all these toys and I’m thinking how cool all of this stuff is! I’m amazed at the variety and functions of all these incredible toys. Some of these toys can do like 3 dozen things. Now, when I look thru the catalog pages of Doctors Foster and Smith and In the Company of Dogs, or I scan Dog.com and PetEdge.com, I find the selection of dog toys to be a big disappointment. I mean, why should human kids get to have all the fun? If kids’ toys only had a squeak or no-squeak option and did nothing else, there would be a riot - an uprising, of unhappy, understimulated and bored children! Why is there no canine karioke machine? How about a build your own doghouse out of Legos kit? How about a litter of puppy dog dolls that whimper, romp, piddle and poop? What about video game systems with paw friendly joysticks and games like "Sic the Mailman" and "Stomp the Squirrel"? Put a squeaker in something and it just squeaks. Does it matter whether the outside is a faux chipmunk, duck, shoe, newspaper...? It’s like saying there’s a difference in taste among the different colored M&M’s....There isn’t! Red, orange, yellow, green, blue or brown candy coated shell... Christmas, Easter, Halloween or Valentine theme colored... They ALL taste the same!

Too Much Waiting

My new friend Clint has got me all psyched to try swimming, but mom says it's too cold now and I'll have to wait till next summer. And my friends Bob and Tobey have me thinking about Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas presents from Santa and they're too far away, too. Not as far as next summer, but still... And then my brother Nuno told me that we are definitely moving but not until months after Christmas (but months before summer) and well, honestly I don't like all this waiting. Why do I have to do all this waiting? Why can't I go swimming NOW? Why can't I have Thanksgiving dinner NOW? Why can't Santa deliver my Christmas presents NOW? And why can't we be in our new house NOW?

I don't think I can handle the strain of all this anticipation.. all this excitement... all this waiting. It's just too much for one yellow mutt to bear! AND, mom just made Oatmeal Raisin Cookies and Chocolate Chip Coconut Oatmeal Cookies and she told me I could have one cookie tonight, but I have to WAIT for them to cool down. Geez!

She Works Hard For the Money

I’m thinking about getting a job. Mom and dad keep talking about needing more money and I understand that they get money from their “jobs”, so I’m thinking if I can get one of those “jobs”, I’d be getting some money, too! And of course I would give it to them. So I need to find out how to get a job. This is kinda hard when you don’t even know what one is, so I looked it up in the dictionary. Yikes! Now I totally understand why mom and dad hate to go to their jobs, or at least don’t like the fact that they have to have jobs. Some people have really awesome and cool jobs and get a lot of money, so their jobs are kinda worth it. But when you’re doing a job you’re not so crazy about and not getting enough money for it, it could kinda suck. So, I will go find a job to help out. Nuno is too old, so I will step up to the plate and help the family. I’m going to go check out the classifieds….

It really IS good being me!

Yo-ho, Yo-ho, A canine’s life for me.

I think it’s great being dog. Being a dog you can do things like walk around in circles before lying down, roll around in the dirt and smell stranger’s asses or crotches without anyone thinking you’re weird. You don’t have the icky task of cleaning up after you poop… the humans do it for you. You have the superpower of enhanced smell – not so great when the humans funk up the bathroom, but it makes sniffing out food, interesting prey and hot bitches super easy. Can’t get one over on me as to which hand the treat is in… I could smell it if it was shoved up your butt! Food that falls on the floor and leftovers in general somehow magically become yours. When guests come to the house, you are the center of attention. You also can get people to give you treats by doing simplistic, cute and amusing tricks… as if we’re performing incredible feats of amazement. Hah! And of course there is the enviable ability to lick your own doodle. I don’t think it really gets any better than that. Sure there’s the whole leash thing. But I can deal with that.

Mom and dad have been talking non-stop about getting a new home of our own with a huge yard for me to play in. Not that dad will let me stay out there all the time because he’s such a worry wart, but still, it sounds really cool. Mom and dad have kinda been celebrating a little because they are on the verge of this being imminent (another new vocabulary word) but they say it’s still not a done deal and have told me and Nuno not to get our hopes up yet. I can’t help it though… I’m so excited!

Benefits of Blogging

I've been thinking a lot lately about my "socialization issues". Mom says I have them because dad never let me play with other dogs when I was younger and because in my formative years I had a human who wasn’t very nice to me. But I don’t like to talk about that. Anyway, mom has been working with me and I’m still not so great around strangers and other dogs, but I really think that blogging with my feline brother Nuno and my two best buds, Tobey and Bob, has been really good for me. It’s boosted my self esteem, encouraged me to expand my vocabulary, opened my eyes to new and different ideas and beliefs, helped me get through my first heartbreak, I’m becoming a better communicator and it helps to keep me amused and out of trouble. Dad doesn’t see the point in "playing around on the computer" but he’s a big doink. Mom is all about feeling good... she tells me "If it makes you feel good and you enjoy it, P, then you do it." And she prefers I blog to feel good rather than drag my ass across the floor or lick my doodle. So, I encourage any canine or feline out there who has been a little bit shy about blogging to get over it and give it a try! It’s wonderful!

Crazy Is as Crazy Does....

OK, in all fairness, I don’t think Gary Busey is such a bad guy. OK, so he’s a tad crazy. But dad calls mom crazy all the time, and he loves her. She’s great! So how can crazy be bad? I’m confused. I know I’ve decided to expand my cranium by learning new words every day, but I already know “crazy”. Are there different kinds of “crazy”, like there’s different kinds of candy?... Reeses Peanut Butter Cups = yummy & awesome; Candy Corn = disgusting & evil. If that’s the case, my mom is definitely NOT candy corn crazy… she’s Reese Peanut Butter Cup crazy!!!

On a happy note, I think my broken heart is on the mend. I have not seen Lily for what has to be two weeks now, and in dog years it’s like what, 5 months? I’m not over her or anything, but the pain has diminished (one of my new vocabulary words) and I’ve also been distracted by the excitement in our house. Mom and dad said that nothing is official yet, but supposably we’re moving to a new place with a huge piece of property for me to run amok on… and I heard mom say that there are all kinds of critters there… like wild turkeys, deer, bunnies, squirrels, coyotes… how freaking cool is THAT!?!?!?!?!

November 4th... Erection Day

I heard mom and dad saying that today is Erection Day. I'm not really sure what this means and how it effects me. So when I asked, they said it's a day we all vote. I thought, OK... I can vote. So I did... I voted for Gary Busey.
Was that wrong?

I Want Candy

Well, that’s it. My Halloween candy is all gone. Mom showed me no sympathy about my tummy ache or the sugar hangover. She told me to go lay down an sleep it off and then she told me I got what I deserved for eating all of that crap and then took it all away. What the hell?!? It was MINE! Who the heck gave her the right to take my candy? I get the fact that she’s "the mom", but she didn’t have to take it way. She thinks I have no self control.... just because I’ll eat and eat and eat till I barf and then start eating again does NOT mean I have no self control. Actually, I think it makes me bulimic...

Halloween Aftermath

I am in an agonizing candy hangover. Since I’m not allowed to have chocolate – something about it being not good for dogs... which I honestly can’t understand because smoking crack isn’t supposed to be good for people but they still do it – so I compensated for what I couldn’t have in chocolate I just ate extra of stuff like Twizzlers, Swedish Fish, Gummi Bears, Dots, Juju Fruits, Starbursts, lollipops, Jolly Ranchers, Gobstoppers, Pixie Stix, Cke Bottles, Fun Dip, jellybeans, Skittles, caramels, Mary Janes, Bit O Honeys, Gummi worms, Sourpatch kids, Warheads, Airheads, Lemonheads, licorice, butter scotch, Werthers originals (and chewy), Red Hots, Mike & Ikes, Good n Plenty, SweetTarts, Sprees, BottleCaps, Pop Rocks, Nerds, Chuckles, Sugar daddies, Sugar Babies, Now & Laters, Necco Wafers, Dum Dums, Cowtails, Jujubees ... everything BUT that freakin ass awful candy corn.