so cute....

My friends Bob & Tobey gave me a gift -- it was a framed picture of me! A picture of me is just what I needed. Because until Saturday night, I had NO idea how freaking cute I was! People are constantly telling me this, but I’ve never seen myself so I just say “Gee thanks” and keep on doing what I do that make me Parker P. Well, at Gramma’s house, we slept in the guest bedroom upstairs… I’ve never been there. I was kinda afraid when mom told me we’d be sleeping there because she said the room was up where the attic used to be. I thought: Grammas house? Attic? I saw that cheesy campy movie “Flowers in the Attic” starring Nurse Ratchett and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I just got the heebie-jeebies. But I thought to myself how MY gramma is nothing like THAT evil gramma…. So I figured it’d be cool. Well, it was. It’s a nice room. And on the back of the door there’s this full length mirror (that's what mom says it was – I’d never seen one before. Apparently dogs have no use for such items of vanity and so humans only hang them up high where they can see them). So anyway, there I stood, face to face with this beautiful blond-haired & brown-eyed creature. I was mesmerized! I just sat there… staring intently into those sweet dog's eyes, waiting for him to say something first. Then I thought to myself, “Gee, he is REALLY quite a handsome fella”… then I got worried that that kind of thought makes me a homo or something. But I also love Lily, the slut from next door, and she’s a female… so then I was afraid that maybe I was one of those bisexuals. Mom calls it “ambivalent sexuality for those who can’t make up their minds or just want the best of both worlds”. I thought to myself, “Hmmm, I have trouble making up my mind on lots of things and I want the best of both worlds… maybe I am one of those bicycle -sexuals”… oh wait, those are people who get turned on by bicycles. Anyway, I was really getting upset… who am I? They already took my nuts…. So without them, can I even be any kind of sexual? Sheesh… this is so confusing. Well, I heard mom laughing and apparently she had been calling me several times but I hadn’t heard as I was so captivated by my fabulous image and I was having such deep thoughts…. Oh crap, I said “fabulous”. Isn’t “fabulous” a gay word? Aw shit. Anyway, mom explained to me what the mirror was and that what I was actually looking at was my own reflection. Whew. I’m in love with myself…. I’m not gay or bisexual. I’m normal. I love myself and have sex with myself. Just like everyone else. What a relief!