Dashing Thru the Snow!

This is me... dashing through the snow! And I'm better at it than I thought... although I have to work on stopping and rounding corners. Or have brakes installed. Mom called me a big wuss because I didn't wanna hang outside and play for very long. Dude - it's COLD out there... and in case she didn't notice, she's got socks and boots on her paws. My paws are NAKED! Plus she had on a hat and winter coat on top of all her regular clothes. Of course she wouldn't mind being outside.

Dad went out to plow and I think mom's tryign to work up the energy to do some more packing for the big move to our new house. I can't wait! Mom and dad showed me pictures on the new house but they say the pictures don't do it justice. I kinda wish we could move in sooner, but we have to wait. I gues I can do that -- I'm used to waiting. That's just what I do. I have to wait to be let outside. I have to wait for a treat. I have to wait to be let up on the couch. I have to wait for my food. All this waiting, you think I'd be good at it, but I'm not. Anyway, gonna wait for mom to take me out again and the snow is even deeper! The idiot they hire to make up stuff about the weather says that we're supposd to get an inch of snow every hour. But we don't have to believe that because he's just saying whatever he wants... that's his job. He just gets paid to stand there say anything as long as it has to do with the weather -- it doesn't even have to be true! And it usually isn't. Can you imagine that? Getting paid to lie? But I guess there's lots of jobs like that... politician, lawyer, con-artist, magician, sales person, fortune-teller, executive....

... Missing Nuno...

I miss Nuno. I know it's probably hard for other canines to understand (except my best buds Bob & Tobey) but I really loved my feline brother... even though my behavior made others think otherwise. I guess it just goes to show you that there are certain things that are just pure instinct and that you can't always control instincts... no matter how hard you try.

Here's a picture of him. Wasn't he cute? See that blanket he's laying on in the pic? That's my blanket now. So now I always have Nuno with me.

Dad came home on Monday with Nuno's ashes. Even though we're not doing Christmas this year, he says for Christmas that he's going to get mom a special urn to put them in so that mom can have Nuno with her forever. Mom came home that night and just cried and cried and cried because she misses him so much. She cries alot when she she's home and she mopes. I try cheering her up.... but nothing works. If that is what having a broken heart does to you, I hope mine never breaks. Uh-oh.. she's crying again... I need to go give her some cuddles and do something stupid to make her laugh.

Trying to come back

There has been lots of concern over me not blogging lately. It's been rough at our house... you see, my big brother, Nuno, passed away just two days before Thanksgiving. Mom did not handle this very well. So not only were we all very sad and trying to manage our own grief, but we were all very worried about Mom and trying to take care of her. She's doing a little bit better... but I know her heart is broken. Dad tells me that things like that don't get fixed, that they stay broken. But over time the pain gets a little less and you only feel it from time to time. I think someone needs to find a cure for broken hearts...

Dad is going to take mom to some holiday fesitval thing tonight a couple of towns over... he's hoping to lift her spirits and get her in little bit in the Christmas spirit. I've told her that it's OK that we don't decorate the house this year or even get a tree... what's more important is that we are all together. Besides, tree or decorations or not, Santa will come. I wrote him a special note with a special request this year -- I told him I didn't want any cookies or toys or treats... just to make mom feel happy again. I hope Santa comes through for me. If he doesn't, I've got a can full of whoop-ass for him and his stinking elves next year... maybe a special batch of chocolate chip & arsenic cookies!

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my dad’s b-day. Even though dad had to work today, mom’s gonna do something special for him. I didn’t get him a present because money’s tight – it’s the economy don’t ya know - but mom told me that a material gift is not what’s important. She told me that giving and showing love, and being loved, is more important than a gift that any money can buy. So, I’m gonna make sure dad knows I love him. Mom says she’s going to make dad a special dinner. She already made some mini apple crumb things (they’re cooling in the kitchen) and she even bought vanilla ice cream for the top. Dad loooooooooves that! (See Aunt Jodi, Vanilla Ice Cream is loved by all and goes with EVERYTHING!) Dinner will be good, although I’m not big fan of shrimp... but it’s what dad wants. According to Bubba there’s many ways you can prepare shrimp, but dad knew exactly how he wants it so luckily we didn’t have to run through the whole list! He wants them sauteed with garlic, olive oil, butter and herbs over linguini. So, right now mom and I are just chilling out on the couch watching movies on Lifetime till dad comes home. Don’t tell dad... but I’m enjoying these movies.

Over the river....

Over the river and thru the woods to grandmother’s house we go... Road Trip! Well, we’ll be crossing over a few rivers on the way.... the Quinnipiac, the Housatonic, the Pequonnock, the Saugatuck, the Norwalk, the Hudson... and we’ll be going over a few bridges but the big one is the Chimpanzee Bridge. Dad says it’s the Tapanzee Bridge but I’m not stupid – Tapanzee is not a word. But Chimpanze is, so I think dad’s just yanking my chain... I’m pretty damn sure it’s the Chimpanzee Bridge. There will be no woods though. I always love Thanksgiving - my gramma is great! She always sends mom home with a care package of turkey for me & Nuno - but this Thanksgiving will be especially good because I get to go with mom & dad to gramma’s in Jersey!

Everyone has to make and bring something to contribute to the Thanksgiving dinner – that’s the rule. Not every person (or dog) - but a rep from each household. So on behalf of the CT Keisers, mom will be making homemade cranberry sauce, butternut squash soup (yum!) and while she’s not making the cider from scratch, she’s going to be responsible for prepping the mulling spices just right and making the hot mulled cider for all to enjoy. It just isn’t the holidays without that. Dad won’t drink it though... he says it goes right through him and gives him the shits.

Unfortunately, Nuno can’t come to Jersey with us... Grampa Bob is allergic to cats. Plus, with stress of the drive and the madness and chaos in Gramma’s house the day of Thanksgiving, it may just be too much for the little guy. So he’s going to go stay with Val at the cat resort. She takes really good care of him and if mom has to leave him with anyone, Val is the one. But I’m going to make sure gramma makes up a special care package for Nuno. I’m going to tell her to add a little stuffing and gravy to his turkey cause the little guy needs to gain some weight. It’s gonna be hard sitting in the truck the entire way home and NOT eat Nuno’s care package but I won’t. I will be strong and resist temptation. Know what else is great about this Thanksgiving? We’re having a chocolate chip cookie bake-off! Mom, Aunt Jen, Gramma, Aunt Heidi and Gramma Keiser are all going to bake and bring their chocolate chip cookies and we’re all going to put on blindfolds and do a taste test and vote for the best! Pretty cool, huh? I betcha my mom wins. Dad better not screw up and vote for someone else’s cookie other than mom’s.... otherwise it’ll be the last cookie dad ever tastes!

Family Crisis

Dad came home not long ago with Nuno. Nuno wasn’t feeling good all day yesterday and last night and so dad took him to the doctor this morning and he had some tests done. He may have some kind of medical problem. Mom already called like 50 billion times this morning. I know he’s getting old and Dad says that this is part of getting old. I’m thinking that maybe I’ll start being a little nicer to the little guy. He may be a cat, but he is MY big brother. Maybe I should check about getting him a present or something. I know that mom will be quite upset and touchy with him being all sick so maybe I’ll have to be the good son for a while and try not to cause her any more stress than possible. No problem… I’ll just annoy dad! Oh Dad…..!

A New Name

I’ve been doing some thinking and I decided I’d like to change my name and that I’d like my new name to be "Norbert." I told my mom this and first she laughed her ass off, and then she asked me why, if I had the choice of any name on the planet, why would I choose "Norbert". So I said "Why not?" She said "Why?" I said "Why not?" She said "Why?"... We went on this way for a few minutes until I finally caved and said "Because," to which she responded with "Because why?" And so this round went on for another minute or two untiI I finally got frustrated and walked away. So what’s wrong with the name Norbert? It’s not like Parker’s a great name or anything. Wanna know how I got that name? I was lost and all alone - my former owner was a real meanie - and dad came alone and found me wandering in a park. And because he found me in a park, he called me Parker. I think it’s a pretty stupid way to give someone a name. But I was so scared and lonely and tired at the time that I never gave it a thought. But now that I am thinking about it, it’s just a really dumb name.

Toys

How come dog toys come in only two features: squeak or non-squeak? For the last week, we’ve been getting catalog after catalog in the mail in preparation for Christmas and lots of them have kids toys in them. Plus every other commercial on TV is a toy commercial. Now, I’m looking at all these toys and I’m thinking how cool all of this stuff is! I’m amazed at the variety and functions of all these incredible toys. Some of these toys can do like 3 dozen things. Now, when I look thru the catalog pages of Doctors Foster and Smith and In the Company of Dogs, or I scan Dog.com and PetEdge.com, I find the selection of dog toys to be a big disappointment. I mean, why should human kids get to have all the fun? If kids’ toys only had a squeak or no-squeak option and did nothing else, there would be a riot - an uprising, of unhappy, understimulated and bored children! Why is there no canine karioke machine? How about a build your own doghouse out of Legos kit? How about a litter of puppy dog dolls that whimper, romp, piddle and poop? What about video game systems with paw friendly joysticks and games like "Sic the Mailman" and "Stomp the Squirrel"? Put a squeaker in something and it just squeaks. Does it matter whether the outside is a faux chipmunk, duck, shoe, newspaper...? It’s like saying there’s a difference in taste among the different colored M&M’s....There isn’t! Red, orange, yellow, green, blue or brown candy coated shell... Christmas, Easter, Halloween or Valentine theme colored... They ALL taste the same!

Too Much Waiting

My new friend Clint has got me all psyched to try swimming, but mom says it's too cold now and I'll have to wait till next summer. And my friends Bob and Tobey have me thinking about Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas presents from Santa and they're too far away, too. Not as far as next summer, but still... And then my brother Nuno told me that we are definitely moving but not until months after Christmas (but months before summer) and well, honestly I don't like all this waiting. Why do I have to do all this waiting? Why can't I go swimming NOW? Why can't I have Thanksgiving dinner NOW? Why can't Santa deliver my Christmas presents NOW? And why can't we be in our new house NOW?

I don't think I can handle the strain of all this anticipation.. all this excitement... all this waiting. It's just too much for one yellow mutt to bear! AND, mom just made Oatmeal Raisin Cookies and Chocolate Chip Coconut Oatmeal Cookies and she told me I could have one cookie tonight, but I have to WAIT for them to cool down. Geez!

She Works Hard For the Money

I’m thinking about getting a job. Mom and dad keep talking about needing more money and I understand that they get money from their “jobs”, so I’m thinking if I can get one of those “jobs”, I’d be getting some money, too! And of course I would give it to them. So I need to find out how to get a job. This is kinda hard when you don’t even know what one is, so I looked it up in the dictionary. Yikes! Now I totally understand why mom and dad hate to go to their jobs, or at least don’t like the fact that they have to have jobs. Some people have really awesome and cool jobs and get a lot of money, so their jobs are kinda worth it. But when you’re doing a job you’re not so crazy about and not getting enough money for it, it could kinda suck. So, I will go find a job to help out. Nuno is too old, so I will step up to the plate and help the family. I’m going to go check out the classifieds….

It really IS good being me!

Yo-ho, Yo-ho, A canine’s life for me.

I think it’s great being dog. Being a dog you can do things like walk around in circles before lying down, roll around in the dirt and smell stranger’s asses or crotches without anyone thinking you’re weird. You don’t have the icky task of cleaning up after you poop… the humans do it for you. You have the superpower of enhanced smell – not so great when the humans funk up the bathroom, but it makes sniffing out food, interesting prey and hot bitches super easy. Can’t get one over on me as to which hand the treat is in… I could smell it if it was shoved up your butt! Food that falls on the floor and leftovers in general somehow magically become yours. When guests come to the house, you are the center of attention. You also can get people to give you treats by doing simplistic, cute and amusing tricks… as if we’re performing incredible feats of amazement. Hah! And of course there is the enviable ability to lick your own doodle. I don’t think it really gets any better than that. Sure there’s the whole leash thing. But I can deal with that.

Mom and dad have been talking non-stop about getting a new home of our own with a huge yard for me to play in. Not that dad will let me stay out there all the time because he’s such a worry wart, but still, it sounds really cool. Mom and dad have kinda been celebrating a little because they are on the verge of this being imminent (another new vocabulary word) but they say it’s still not a done deal and have told me and Nuno not to get our hopes up yet. I can’t help it though… I’m so excited!

Benefits of Blogging

I've been thinking a lot lately about my "socialization issues". Mom says I have them because dad never let me play with other dogs when I was younger and because in my formative years I had a human who wasn’t very nice to me. But I don’t like to talk about that. Anyway, mom has been working with me and I’m still not so great around strangers and other dogs, but I really think that blogging with my feline brother Nuno and my two best buds, Tobey and Bob, has been really good for me. It’s boosted my self esteem, encouraged me to expand my vocabulary, opened my eyes to new and different ideas and beliefs, helped me get through my first heartbreak, I’m becoming a better communicator and it helps to keep me amused and out of trouble. Dad doesn’t see the point in "playing around on the computer" but he’s a big doink. Mom is all about feeling good... she tells me "If it makes you feel good and you enjoy it, P, then you do it." And she prefers I blog to feel good rather than drag my ass across the floor or lick my doodle. So, I encourage any canine or feline out there who has been a little bit shy about blogging to get over it and give it a try! It’s wonderful!

Crazy Is as Crazy Does....

OK, in all fairness, I don’t think Gary Busey is such a bad guy. OK, so he’s a tad crazy. But dad calls mom crazy all the time, and he loves her. She’s great! So how can crazy be bad? I’m confused. I know I’ve decided to expand my cranium by learning new words every day, but I already know “crazy”. Are there different kinds of “crazy”, like there’s different kinds of candy?... Reeses Peanut Butter Cups = yummy & awesome; Candy Corn = disgusting & evil. If that’s the case, my mom is definitely NOT candy corn crazy… she’s Reese Peanut Butter Cup crazy!!!

On a happy note, I think my broken heart is on the mend. I have not seen Lily for what has to be two weeks now, and in dog years it’s like what, 5 months? I’m not over her or anything, but the pain has diminished (one of my new vocabulary words) and I’ve also been distracted by the excitement in our house. Mom and dad said that nothing is official yet, but supposably we’re moving to a new place with a huge piece of property for me to run amok on… and I heard mom say that there are all kinds of critters there… like wild turkeys, deer, bunnies, squirrels, coyotes… how freaking cool is THAT!?!?!?!?!

November 4th... Erection Day

I heard mom and dad saying that today is Erection Day. I'm not really sure what this means and how it effects me. So when I asked, they said it's a day we all vote. I thought, OK... I can vote. So I did... I voted for Gary Busey.
Was that wrong?

I Want Candy

Well, that’s it. My Halloween candy is all gone. Mom showed me no sympathy about my tummy ache or the sugar hangover. She told me to go lay down an sleep it off and then she told me I got what I deserved for eating all of that crap and then took it all away. What the hell?!? It was MINE! Who the heck gave her the right to take my candy? I get the fact that she’s "the mom", but she didn’t have to take it way. She thinks I have no self control.... just because I’ll eat and eat and eat till I barf and then start eating again does NOT mean I have no self control. Actually, I think it makes me bulimic...

Halloween Aftermath

I am in an agonizing candy hangover. Since I’m not allowed to have chocolate – something about it being not good for dogs... which I honestly can’t understand because smoking crack isn’t supposed to be good for people but they still do it – so I compensated for what I couldn’t have in chocolate I just ate extra of stuff like Twizzlers, Swedish Fish, Gummi Bears, Dots, Juju Fruits, Starbursts, lollipops, Jolly Ranchers, Gobstoppers, Pixie Stix, Cke Bottles, Fun Dip, jellybeans, Skittles, caramels, Mary Janes, Bit O Honeys, Gummi worms, Sourpatch kids, Warheads, Airheads, Lemonheads, licorice, butter scotch, Werthers originals (and chewy), Red Hots, Mike & Ikes, Good n Plenty, SweetTarts, Sprees, BottleCaps, Pop Rocks, Nerds, Chuckles, Sugar daddies, Sugar Babies, Now & Laters, Necco Wafers, Dum Dums, Cowtails, Jujubees ... everything BUT that freakin ass awful candy corn.

Candy Corn

OK, I know that what I'm about to say is really bad or something, especially considering we're just two days away from Halloween... but it needs to be said: candy corn sucks ass. Who thought up this disgusting concoction and then had the nerve to call it candy? Isn't candy supposed to taste good? I know that candy corn is a totally iconic symbol of Halloween -- and I get the whole fact that corn is a seasonal thing... it's a tie-in to October, the month of Haloween. -- And candy... well duh... that needs no explaination -- it's Halloween for crying out loud -- the time for giving away free candy. But who the heck came up with the idea of taking sugar, flavoring it like yak vomit, adding food coloring and molding it into little triangles to resemble little corn nugglets? Stupid. Just plain stupid. Did anyone actually bother tasting this crap before they put it out there for sale? And who are the idiots who keep buying it?

I used to think that people who gave away those mini boxes of raisins to trick-or-treaters deserved to die and go stright to hell. But now I think that the people who give out candy corn are way worse than the raisin givers. Maybe I'll teach those candy corn and raisin givers a lesson... when they come knocking on MY door looking for a Halloween treat, I'll take a turd from my back yard, wrap it up in pretty foil, slap a label on it that says "yummy candy" and stick that in their trick-or-treat bag.

Moving Right Along

Mom and Dad want to move... again. Didn’t we just do that? I’m not much for dates and calendars... but we’ve had one winter, one spring, two summers and we’re just in the middle of our second fall here. Why the hell do we have to move.... AGAIN? OK, so we have scumbag neighbors from hell. If you need details about that, check out my brother’s blog. And we hate the neighborhood. And mom and dad want a big piece of property. And they want a place all our own. OK, I get it... but I really don’t wanna move... AGAIN! So much chaos, living in a maze of cardboard boxes, organizing, reorganizing, planning... I guess it could be fun, but I was really just getting used to this place. But seeing as I’m not the alpha of the pack and Mom is, I guess the rest of us have no choice but t follow along with what she says. I should be sadder about the idea of leaving because that means Lily and I definitely don’t stand a chance together if I move... but ever since the whole electric fence thing, it’s pretty much put an end to that dream anyway. Well, I’m gonna go see if I can get an idea of the kinda places mom and dad are thinking about packing us all up and off to... Maybe I’ll get a say in it all.

Being Outside

Fridays are great! It means I've got two whole days with Mom and Dad because they don't have to work. I envy other dogs who have parents who are home all day with them. Plus, with parents like that, they probably don’t have to listen to any bitching and whining about how much they hate going to work. I wonder what that’s like. Anyway, Fridays means I get two whole days of attention, more food, more fun, more cuddling and my favorite -- I get to go outside more often. Or at least when mom is around. For some reason mom and dad argue about letting me stay outside. Dad lets me out, and once I pee and poop he expects me to come right back inside. I wouldn’t mind coming back inside right way if he was giving me food or something good, but he just wants me inside for no good reason. He thinks just because I’ve peed and pooped that I’ve got no other reason to be outside. How about just because? And, he only lets me outside when HE thinks I’ve gotta pee or poop. What the hell is he, a pee and poop expert? Is he psychic? How does he know when I’ve got to go? How would he like it if he only got to go when someone else told him he had to go. And just because the place he goes to the bathroom in is a room he goes in for no other reason but to go to the bathroom is not my problem. He could hang out in that room for an hour or two just chillin if he wanted. I wouldn’t stop him. Mom, on the other hand, opens the door and I go flying into the yard and she leaves me the hell alone. I come back to the door when I’m good and ready to come back inside. Mom is always saying to dad “Leave him alone – he likes it outside. He’s stuck in the house all the time – let him hang out there and just enjoy it.” And whenever she goes out in the yard, I wanna go with her and dad’s always trying to stop me telling me to stay inside. What the hell! Mom tells him again to leave me alone and let me come outside. I like mom’s way a whole lot better!

Increasing the Grey Matter

I have decided to learn at least one new word a day. My mom tells me that it’s important to share knowledge, so I’m gonna share my new words with you from time to time… learn y’all some vocabulary!

OK, so in honor of my mom and dad’s fine German heritage, I’ve decided that today’s new word would come from our great homeland: Germany! Vive le Haagen dazs! OK, everyone open your brains and get ready… the word of the day is…

Schadenfreude – it’s pronounced like this: SHAAD-n-froiduh.

It’s a noun and it means “Pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.”

OK, so now let’s try using it in a sentence. I experienced great schadenfreude as Nuno was going to the vet for his shots.

Ahh… I can feel my brain getting bigger!!!

I would do anything....

Ice cream trumps cookie any day of the week. Klondike bars aren’t the best ice cream available on the planet, but who cares. It’s ice cream! What part of that is difficult to understand? My brother seems to think that he’s above acting stupid or doing silly stunts just to get some ice cream. But he’s a cat… maybe ice cream does not have the same euphoric effect on cats as it does on humans and dogs. “Euphoric”… pretty impressive, huh? Mom calls that a $10 word. I’m trying to expand my vocabulary. I figure maybe if I invest more of my time into something like building a bigger vocabulary, I’ll be distracted from other things… like my broken heart. Uh-oh, I’m depressed again. Where’s that damn dictionary?!?!

Something New

I had some really nice words and concern about my recent depression from my good friend Bob. Some of the advice he gave me was to eat cookies. Cookies are great and I thought isn't it a wonderful world where cookies can solve all your problems? Well, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I’m thinking I need a new collar. The collar I’m wearing is kinda old and it was actually a present from my mom before she became my mom. She told me that she got it because she thought it was flattering on me. I know I am extremely cute, a quality only enhanced by a collar complimentary to my fur and eye color, and I also know there is more to a dog than looks…. but using cookies to alleviate my heartache, as delicious as they are, will only make me chunky. I know mom and dad will love me whether I have the lean silhouette of a greyhound or a plump Jabba the Hutt butt. But I think before I gorge myself on cookies, I will try a new look by changing my collar first. I don’t wanna be all girly or anything because boys aren’t supposed to care about this sorta stuff, but I think a new collar would make me feel a little bit better. If that does not help uplift my mood, then I may have to go to Plan B: Cookies, and lots of them. Anyway, if mom can get a new pair of shoes or a new purse when she’s feeling poopy, what's wrong with me having a new collar? Accessories are not just for humans you know….

feeling poopy

I think I’m depressed. What are the symptoms of depression? Do they make anti-depressants for dogs? I wonder if my vet could recommend a good canine therapist. Maybe I need to change my diet. Maybe I need a new collar. Maybe I need a hobby.

... I’m going to bed.

She's Lost It!!!

If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I think mom was trying to kill me! Is peanut butter supposed to be hot & spicy and make your mouth on fire?...

I’m having my usual Sunday morning with mom... I’m lying on the couch with her while she catches up on email, has a few cups of coffee, makes out her grocery list and works up the motivation to go take shower. Eventually she decides to have breakfast - this morning I see she’s decided on whole grain toast with peanut butter. Cool! Toast is always good and I LOVE peanut butter. Let’s face it, peanut butter tastes good on ANYthing. So I’m excited that this will be our breakfast because during the week she always has yucky oatmeal . And I say "our breakfast" because mom always shares with me. See? She gets this whole "sharing is caring" thing... don’t know why she can’t explain it to Nuno. Anyway, she takes a few bites and goes about typing (probably to Aunt Jodi) and just as the slobbery string of drool dangling from by bottom lip is about to drop and hit the couch, mom decides to share her toast & peanut butter with me. I take the bite, and I’m chewing... I’m chewing... I’m swallowing... my eyes start watering... y lips start tingling... my mouth is on fire... my stomach is protesting and yelling "what the hell?!?!?!" and I look at mom and wonder if something is wrong with this peanut butter. She does not appear to be having the same reaction. She’s taking another bite, no signs of smoke or fire coming out of her mouth, ears or nose... so I’m thinking maybe it’s just me and I ask for another bite. Holy crap! It’s worse. I don’t know why I continue chewing, let alone swallow... my mouth is on fire. I’d spit it out but then I think if it gets back to Lily that I can’t handle a little spice and heat, she’ll think I’m a big pussy! So I suck it up and swallow this firey, hot bite of food. Mom is so absorbed in her e-mail so I go to the kitchen to see what exactly is with this peanut butter. Luckily she left the jar on the counter and I’m reading the ingredients: fresh roasted peanuts, chili powder, cayenne pepper, red pepper flakes, palm oil, vinegar & salt. I turn the jar around and it says "The Heat Is On". This is NOT peanut butter, it’s Fire in a Jar!!!! The woman has truly lost it. I’m going to have a talk with dad.... this is NOT normal.

I gotta go have a glass of milk and an antacid.

Guy Day

Today was "guy day". Mom decided to go off for the day and "do her own thing"... what, like she can’t do things with us? Well, what this meant was us guys were on our own the whole day. It’s kinda weird not having mom around. I don’t like it much. Nothing against dad – he’s cool and laid back and all... but he’s just not mom. BUT, when mom is NOT around, dad gets take-out chinese, which MEANS its spare ribs, pork fried rice and greasy, fried egg rolls all around! I love mom... but she’s a vegamitavagin?... a vaginatarian?... a vetometamucilian?... a vulcan? Oh hell.... I don’t know what it’s called. All I know is that she does not eat meat! Not that I have anything against ve... oh nevermind - THOSE people... I just don’t understand why she doesn’t eat meat! No chicken, no beef, no pork, no fish... nothin! She says animals have feelings and deserve to live just like we do! OK, I kinda get that when she puts it that way, but they taste so good. Maybe if animals tasted as bad as brussel sprouts or vomit, then maybe I could give this not eating animals thing a try. But they just taste too good. Anyway, when mom’s not around, that also means time there’s time to spend sitting on the couch watching sports on TV. Kinda cool... but then again, I’ve really got nothing against Lifetime or Project Runway or reruns of Will & Grace and Roseanne. Wait a minute.... something has just changed. There’s a shift in the energy forces in and around the house, my tail is starting to wag, my ears have perked up, Nuno is starting to carry on in the other room and I hear something that sounds like tires on gravel... Oh!... that’s mom’s car alarm beeping. She’s home! Love to stay and chat more... but dude, she’s home! Need to go greet her and find out if she brought me anything... Later!!!!

Mom's Losing It

My stupid brother is FINALLY done hogging the computer. For a cat, he sure acts more like a big old pig! I called mom at work (it’s OK to call her on Fridays because she’s not so pissy because she knows that once she leaves for the day she won’t have to go back for two whole days) and I asked her to tell Nuno to stop hogging the computer. She started telling me something about “sharing is caring” and I don’t quite get it. Tobey used this phrase once before as well and I still don’t get it. If Nuno CARED about me, he’d SHARE the computer with me and give it to me when I wanted it and stop hogging it for himself. Then, I was telling mom how sad I was feeling and I even cried a little (it’s OK - mom says there’s nothing wrong with talking about your feelings or being a boy and crying) and I told her that my heart was breaking because I can’t see Lily anymore. Ever since they put that electric fence up, I feel like my heart has been torn in half, smashed to pieces and then ripped out and jumped on some more. So my mom started telling me that maybe Lily just isn’t meant to be with me, how broken hearts do mend but it takes time and hurts a little less each day even though I may not believe that now, and then she said something about there being “other fish in the sea”. OK, mom does know that I’m a dog, right? That I’m NOT a fish? Why on earth would I want a fish? Do I have to explain to her that I’m totally not into the whole dog & fish interspecies thing? I can swim but not well and I can’t hold my breath for long under water. How the heck am I supposed to hook up with a fish?!!! I don’t even like to eat fish! So much for getting any comfort (or sane advice) from mom. She’s obviously confused and not making any sense! Honestly, I think she’s had too much stress at work this week and too much of her crazy boss. Dad’s supposed to take her out for drinks tonight… I’m gonna tell him to make sure she has LOTS of drinks. She needs them!

Matters of Love & Sex

What becomes of the broken hearted? Isn’t this a song? Has ANYONE come up with an answer? Maybe the answer is a happy ending like “Walking on Sunshine” or “I Feel Good”. That would be nice. But I kinda have a feeling that it ends with “Love Stinks”. Yeah, yeah.

The electric fence is up and my Lily, the slut next door, is being held prisoner. This is agony. I can HEAR her, but I can’t SEE her. And seeing her is the best part… well, I’d like to smell her but mom won’t let me get that close! She says sniffing leads to other stuff… kinda like how you can get pregnant from just kissing. Now I don’t know a whole lot about sex or anything, but I think that my equipment for making babies was snipped off a long time ago... and how could my little swimmies make it all the way from back there up to my nose when I do sniff a bitch? I’m confused. Anyway, what’s so bad about a litter of little Parkers running around? I think it would be neat!

HOME AT LAST!!!

It is such a relief to be home. The boarding kennel isn’t a bad place or anything, but it smells weird (like 5,000 different dogs and industrial strength cleanser) and it gets REALLY noisy. Mom thinks I’M loud… but she should hear some of these guys! And, don’t tell mom, but I got a little fraidy-scared. Two kennels down and across from me was this Mastiff named T-Dogg who kept flashing me gang signs. His two upper canine teeth had gold caps on them and I think I may have seen a gang tattoo under his fur. I can’t be sure. Out in the dog run I saw him push down a Malamute named Mallomar and then he stole his chew toy. He also was smuggling in pigs ears… I don’t know who they were coming from, but he must have connections from the outside. I know my mom and dad told the kennel owners NOT to let me out in the dog run with any other dogs because of my “socialization issues”, but I was so afraid they’d forget and put me out there with T-Dogg. Luckily they didn’t forget and for the first time, I’m glad I have these issues, whatever that means. They kept me from getting my ass kicked!

While I did my time in the kennel, I missed my mom, my dad, Lily the slut next door, and I even missed my brother. I’m a little bit disappointed that mom and dad didn’t bring me back anything from their trip, but they did bring home a buttload of fresh picked apples and mom promises she’ll bake lots of yummy apple stuff. And she is a rockin’ good cook. When she’s in the kitchen doing her thing, I just sit there and watch her. I get all hypnotized by the smells. Sometimes she lets me be her official taster. I get to lick spoons and bowls. And whenever mom bakes, something always manages to drop onto the floor. House rule is that if it hits the floor, it’s mine. For some reason no one fought me on this. No one seemed to want anything after it hit the floor. I don’t know why… it’s perfectly good. Dad says something about a 5 second rule? But anyway, mom sometimes gets mad at me because I’m always sitting right in front of the oven or sink. I try explaining to her that I like to see what she’s doing and these are the best angles, but she doesn’t care – she still yells at me to get out of the way. Sometimes she tells me if I don’t move away from the oven, she’s just gonna throw some marinara and mozzarella cheese on me and make Parker Parmesan. Now I don’t have any idea what Parmesan is, but it involves cheese and sauce – two of my favorite things – so I’m not protesting. Dad says I won’t like it, but I’m not so sure. I like everything mom cooks! Except carrots.

Preparing for a long weekend

Tobey had a good idea about the electric fence problem. But I think if I stop all power on our street then we’ll all lose our power. I’m fraidy-scared of the dark…. I’m not so sure I like that idea. But, I wonder if that squirrel can figure out how to just unplug the power to Lily’s house. Hmmmm….

Well, I called mom at work and I learned something very important. Do NOT call mom while she’s at work. You think she’s difficult and ornery at home, just try talking to her at work. Yikes! Now I know why when dad calls her during the day he doesn’t say hello first, he says “I’m sorry to bother you”. Sheesh… what a difficult woman. I know there’s something happening in “the market” (whatever that means) right now that’s making work super stressful for her, but jeez… I just had one little question. It’s not like I was asking her to stop everything, come home and bake me a 200 lb cookie or anything. I feel bad for Aunt Jodi… I know she and my mom email throughout the day. Aunt Jodi is a saint!

OK, so I’m packing for the weekend. Mom and Dad are taking a long weekend away somewhere. They told me where but I wasn’t really listening because I started to panic when they told me I wasn’t going with them. They say they are going to be celebrating their first wedding anniversary. I don’t know what that means or anything, but the way they said it and how they looked makes me think that wherever they are they’ll be doing a lot of that rolling around naked together stuff and there will probably be lots of good food to eat and lots of playing outside and a whole lotta relaxing. I think I need to have a wedding anniversary. Well, I’ll be off to the doggie resort for a while. Change in scenery is good for me. I will keep reminding myself of this AND that Mom & Dad WILL come to bring me back home when they’re done anniversarying each other somewhere else. Nuno will be heading off to the Kitty Resort… he gets to stay at a special, exclusive place for cats only. Well excuuuuuuuse me for barking!

Electric fences are BAD

I’m really upset. You know, I’ve got calluses on my paws and a crick in my neck from all this research I’ve been doing on the internet about this whole electric fence thing and I really don’t like what I see. It’s not a good thing. Are the ASPCA & PETA aware that these electric fences exist and are used? Well, in regard to my situation, I do not think this will be good for Lily. We talked about some S&M, and she told me she was all for it, but I kinda think she was saying that pain turned her on just because she thought I was into it and it might make me all hot. I think she’s squeamish about pain. But she’s not very bright (with an ass like that, who needs brains?) and I fear she’ll just keep trying to cross the fence regardless of the pain. She has a beautiful, silky-smooth honey blonde coat and repetitive electrocution will fry it, no? She’ll look like an African bushman after a few days! Maybe I can have mom talk Lily’s mom into getting a regular fence like we have…. I’m gonna call her at work now.

Lily...

Well, not only is Lily a goddess, but she’s a damn good alarm clock. Every morning I awaken to the beautiful sound of her voice as she runs up the street and past my window. Wow, she is soooo hot. She sometimes does this before mom & dad are awake and this really pisses them off. They’ve spoken to Lily’s mom about her running around loose and at these hours, barking and all. As a result, my mom says that Lily’s mom is planning on installing an electric fence sometime this month. I’m crushed and horrified. Not only won’t I see Lily anymore, but they plan on electrocuting her if she tries to leave her property… it’s like she’s a hostage! I have to find a way to stop this from happening!!! Maybe I can ask the squirrel that Nuno uses to spy on our other neighbors to pass notes between me and Lily. Maybe she can send me a dirty picture of her licking herself or stretching with her ass way up in the air… she’s got a great ass. I’ll even pay the squirrel in treats…I know mom & dad have pistachio nuts in the pantry…

so cute....

My friends Bob & Tobey gave me a gift -- it was a framed picture of me! A picture of me is just what I needed. Because until Saturday night, I had NO idea how freaking cute I was! People are constantly telling me this, but I’ve never seen myself so I just say “Gee thanks” and keep on doing what I do that make me Parker P. Well, at Gramma’s house, we slept in the guest bedroom upstairs… I’ve never been there. I was kinda afraid when mom told me we’d be sleeping there because she said the room was up where the attic used to be. I thought: Grammas house? Attic? I saw that cheesy campy movie “Flowers in the Attic” starring Nurse Ratchett and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I just got the heebie-jeebies. But I thought to myself how MY gramma is nothing like THAT evil gramma…. So I figured it’d be cool. Well, it was. It’s a nice room. And on the back of the door there’s this full length mirror (that's what mom says it was – I’d never seen one before. Apparently dogs have no use for such items of vanity and so humans only hang them up high where they can see them). So anyway, there I stood, face to face with this beautiful blond-haired & brown-eyed creature. I was mesmerized! I just sat there… staring intently into those sweet dog's eyes, waiting for him to say something first. Then I thought to myself, “Gee, he is REALLY quite a handsome fella”… then I got worried that that kind of thought makes me a homo or something. But I also love Lily, the slut from next door, and she’s a female… so then I was afraid that maybe I was one of those bisexuals. Mom calls it “ambivalent sexuality for those who can’t make up their minds or just want the best of both worlds”. I thought to myself, “Hmmm, I have trouble making up my mind on lots of things and I want the best of both worlds… maybe I am one of those bicycle -sexuals”… oh wait, those are people who get turned on by bicycles. Anyway, I was really getting upset… who am I? They already took my nuts…. So without them, can I even be any kind of sexual? Sheesh… this is so confusing. Well, I heard mom laughing and apparently she had been calling me several times but I hadn’t heard as I was so captivated by my fabulous image and I was having such deep thoughts…. Oh crap, I said “fabulous”. Isn’t “fabulous” a gay word? Aw shit. Anyway, mom explained to me what the mirror was and that what I was actually looking at was my own reflection. Whew. I’m in love with myself…. I’m not gay or bisexual. I’m normal. I love myself and have sex with myself. Just like everyone else. What a relief!

Jersey

Mom is always saying how she’s always right. Even Nuno tells me that she’s always right... but I figure what does he know – he’s a cat! And anyway, I know you’re not supposed to disagree with your mom... "what mom says is the law"... well, at least here in my house. But she IS right... Jersey really DOES suck! Mom and Dad had been saying it all the time before we left Jersey and moved to the wonderful CT shoreline – She calls the move our "great escape". I like it. It makes us sound cool... like we’re outlaws or on the run... something cool like that! Anyway, I could never understand why Mom and Dad were always picking on Jersey. How can a place that’s called the Garden State be anything but beautiful? I don’t get it. But you know, as we were driving around Jersey this weekend, I didn’t see a single garden! I’d say that the state of Jersey is doing some pretty heavy duty false advertising. Can they DO that? Anyway, people were just so RUDE. I saw my mom flip the bird, honk her horn and yell some of the most baddest words and name calling I’ve ever heard more times this weekend than she has all year! She’s always telling me that name-calling is a not-nice thing to do... and here she was doing it the whole time and even making up a few of her own curse words.

The only high point of my trip to Jersey was staying with Gramma and Grampa. Although Dad gave them orders not to give me ay people food. He told them that I’m on a "diet". What the HELL is that about? I don’t remember ever saying anything about that. Trust me - I would remember agreeing to something that ridiculous. And to make it a worse, Mom and Dad didn’t bring me back any birthday cake from the party, and then they went out with their friends for more fun while I sat there at the old folks home starving to death! AND, mom came home after playing with Aunt Jodi and Uncle Andrew and MY friends Bob & Toby smelling like all good dog smells! She was covered with Bob and Tobey smells and fur. How DARE she?!?!?!? I get stuck with Ma & Pa Kettle and she’s hanging with cool people and canines!!!

The ride home was great. There is nothing like the feeling of going home. And you sometimes see funny things along the way... especially when you stop at the rest stops on 95. At one of the rest areas, we saw a seagull walking across the parking lot carrying a Drunkin Dognuts bag. Mom thought it was so cute and she yelled to the bird "hey, you want a small coffee to go?" She’s funny.

I'm going for a ride in the car!

I'm so excited, I'm so excited! Tomorrow, Mom & Dad are taking me to Jersey. I'm not really excited about going to Jersey, but I'm excited about going in the car. I could say that the smell of brand new car and leather excite me, but Dad's Blazer is not new and his seats are actually pleather. We're going to visit with Gramma and Grampa for a bit while Mom & Dad go to a party. I think there will be cake and cookies at this party so I really wish that I was going too, but maybe they'll bring me back some. Doesn't matter anyway because Gramma ALWAYS has goodies in the house and she loves to feed everyone who walks thru her door. And Grampa is always dropping food on the floor, so I just follow him around the house or sit at the foot of his Barcalounger (HA! Bark-alounger -- how funny is that?!!!) while he snacks and it usually goes something like this: One bite for Grampa, one bite for Parker. One bite for Grampa, one bite for Parker. Oops, Grampa dropped his bite... another bite for Parker. It's freaking awesome!!!! Gramma also has this room off the kitchen that they call "the West Wing". I don't quite get that because it doesn't resemble anything on a bird... it's just a small square room. But it's practically ALL windows! How freaking cool is that?!!! There's a comfy couch for me to hang out on while I stare out all those windows! I do kinda feel bad for Nuno... that he doesn't get to come with us. Mom gets kinda sad whenever she has to leave him... I'll have to reassure her while we're in Jersey that he's A-OK!

Chipmunks

Chipmunks are running around like crazy outside and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. These little fellas trample all over our back deck out in the great wide open in the bright light of day just inches from my face as I watch thru the sliding glass door. I think they do it just to torment me. And I gotta say, they really don't look anything like those Chip & Dale guys from the cartoons....

Happy Birthday Parker's Blog!!!!

I am so happy to have this blog! First I'd like to give a shout out to my good buds, Bob and Tobey. Of course I'd rather sniff your butts, but since we're 100 or so miles apart, this will just have to do. And second, I'd like to let everyone know that I won't discriminate against anyone who wishes to contribute to my blog. Regardless of your country of origin, your classification in the anmal kingdom, whether you have 4 paws, or 2 claws or wings, or possibly no appendages at all (although I'd be wondering awfully hard about how you'd type) your thoughts and ideas are welcome here.

So my friends Bob & Tobey (aka The Hounds of Hackensack) had their blog, and I really liked the idea of it. I thought "This is so cool!" Then, my brother, Nuno (he's a cat) started his own blog. It kinda upset me because I felt so left out, you know... being blogless and all. But when I told my mom how I was feeling (she always encourages me to talk about my feelings, but they usually they come out in the form of a burp or a fart) she told me that if I wanted a blog then I could have one! She even helped me pick out the colors and the profile picture. But I came up with the title for my blog all by myself... it was easy. Why? Because it's the truth -- It's good to me, and I'm Parker P!