She's Lost It!!!

If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I think mom was trying to kill me! Is peanut butter supposed to be hot & spicy and make your mouth on fire?...

I’m having my usual Sunday morning with mom... I’m lying on the couch with her while she catches up on email, has a few cups of coffee, makes out her grocery list and works up the motivation to go take shower. Eventually she decides to have breakfast - this morning I see she’s decided on whole grain toast with peanut butter. Cool! Toast is always good and I LOVE peanut butter. Let’s face it, peanut butter tastes good on ANYthing. So I’m excited that this will be our breakfast because during the week she always has yucky oatmeal . And I say "our breakfast" because mom always shares with me. See? She gets this whole "sharing is caring" thing... don’t know why she can’t explain it to Nuno. Anyway, she takes a few bites and goes about typing (probably to Aunt Jodi) and just as the slobbery string of drool dangling from by bottom lip is about to drop and hit the couch, mom decides to share her toast & peanut butter with me. I take the bite, and I’m chewing... I’m chewing... I’m swallowing... my eyes start watering... y lips start tingling... my mouth is on fire... my stomach is protesting and yelling "what the hell?!?!?!" and I look at mom and wonder if something is wrong with this peanut butter. She does not appear to be having the same reaction. She’s taking another bite, no signs of smoke or fire coming out of her mouth, ears or nose... so I’m thinking maybe it’s just me and I ask for another bite. Holy crap! It’s worse. I don’t know why I continue chewing, let alone swallow... my mouth is on fire. I’d spit it out but then I think if it gets back to Lily that I can’t handle a little spice and heat, she’ll think I’m a big pussy! So I suck it up and swallow this firey, hot bite of food. Mom is so absorbed in her e-mail so I go to the kitchen to see what exactly is with this peanut butter. Luckily she left the jar on the counter and I’m reading the ingredients: fresh roasted peanuts, chili powder, cayenne pepper, red pepper flakes, palm oil, vinegar & salt. I turn the jar around and it says "The Heat Is On". This is NOT peanut butter, it’s Fire in a Jar!!!! The woman has truly lost it. I’m going to have a talk with dad.... this is NOT normal.

I gotta go have a glass of milk and an antacid.